Oh god, I'm so so sad tonight. And I'd been feeling so strong. I'm sure I'll be back to my kick-ass self in a day or two, but right now it feels like I just need to let myself fall apart.
I heard from him today. I had written to him asking him to stop the visa application and asking about a couple of other things including whether he wanted me to send him the ring back. And I knew it would hurt when I got the reply - but I had to do it, for closure. He said he wants the ring back. What could he possibly want it for? to give it to someone else? then again, why had part of me wanted to keep it?
Maybe I hoped that miraculously he would have another change of heart just as sudden as the one that made him not want to be with me anymore. I know I'm feeling sorry for myself, but I think it's ok if the moment's only brief.
Today I got his reply and it was so cold. And the visa application has been stopped. So that's it now, it's officially all over.
Our little baby girl Indigo will never be born. He will never again sit on the floor in front of me and lovingly take my shoes off my feet. I'll never again come home to his red face slaving away over the hot stove. Never again will he call me baby and tell me how much he loves me and misses me. Damn him! why did he do this???
I wrote him back, I tried to explain myself. Why I had sounded the way I did. How disappointed and hurt I was when he didn't even wish me a happy birthday. How I needed closure because I'd been too full of false hope. But why the hell do I always feel like I have to explain myself and he can't pay me the same courtesy. Then again, maybe I don't want to hear what he has to say. It was hard enough hearing him say that he didn't love me anymore, right out of the blue. I just don't believe love can die so easily when nothing went wrong.
I guess I'll never understand what happened and I just need to move on. But fuck it, it hurts so damn much :(

Richness and maci are putting me to shame. Rich especially is writing a helluva lot and it's bringing out the competitiveness in me - which is good... any excuse to get me putting words out there. So much... so so much, my head is too full!
These last few days have been very empowering and overwhelming at the same time. I'm starting to believe again that there is a guiding force and no such thing as coincidence. I was beginning to think I was an existentialist but perhaps I'm too spiritual for that. I swear since my birthday I have been feeling 'cosmically connected'. Yes, I know what you're thinking... enough of the tree-hugging crap. But it's true. On Sunday night and Monday I fell apart completely - I was a wreck. It was the realisation that the false hope I'd entertained all of Saturday night and Sunday was just that - false. This really was happening to me and my relationship and my dreams - it really was falling apart around me and I had to stop trying to understand it or fight it and just accept it. It's like drowning really - they say it's the most beautiful death you can wish for once you stop struggling. But I believe we die only to be born anew, whether it be as worm fodder, compost of the next beautiful bloom to spring out from the earth, or whether it be that our spirit lives on without its material form. And so, after letting myself fall apart and letting the pain die, I felt myself being born anew. A new future full of possibilities sprung up before me. I was like a phoenix rising from the ashes (yes Rich ;) - that was also part of a poem my sister wrote me for my 17th birthday, all about the resilience and beauty of woman). I have plans, I have dreams. Friends, old and new, came out of the woodwork and showed such support and gave to me of their wisdom and kindness but also of the things I needed to hear... the reasons why they loved me and why I was deserving, and all those things you need to hear to believe in yourself again. And then came my birthday and I was showered with love, attention, affection and beautiful gifts. I was going to list them here for you but I really don't know if you're interested!
Biggest surprise on my birthday was receiving a birthday card from my father, complete with cheque. Such a weight lifted off me... I will explain that some other time, because yes the time is drawing near now when I have to deal with that too.
Remember that old 80s song... I think it was by some band called Sputnik 3 or something "the future's so bright, I gotta wear shades"

Well, it honestly is :)

xx

Hmmm ... the birthday went well... Very well in fact :)
I had a very special day but too tired to talk about it now so hopefully I can tell you about it tomorrow. Disney on Ice tomorrow morning! YAY! hehe

Ok... Step 1: Log in to Blogger.com
It's that easy - so why is it so damn hard to do? I think of doing it at least a hundred times a day (blogging that is, not that other thing :P) and yet I procrastinate. I had promised maci I would write in my blogger once a week. Well, I've failed pitifully - it's been over a month. And though I have good reason for the last couple of weeks, I have none for the weeks before that. So much has been happening to me - sooooooo much, and I get so charged with emotion that the best thing in the world would be for me to sit down here and write it all down. But something stops me. What is it? That is what I have to surmount. I know that sometimes we can't talk about things until we're ready to do so, but when it comes to writing that is the whole purpose of my starting to blog... it should just be about life... bones and blood and guts and all of life in its wonderful glory. I am in awe of the capacity of the human spirit to endure pain and sorrow and suffering. To find beauty in life despite its constant beatings.
In the last few days I have been in awe of the amazing presences I have in my life... the wonderful friends and family I have been graced with. Yes, if there is a god then they are truly my gift.
This time I have not fallen apart... this time I have recognised the stages and I have not feared (though I thought I had). And now the sun shines anew and i have SUCH a love for life on the eve of my 29th birthday :)
There are so many possibilities... what i could do, who i could meet, who i could become, where i could go... sooo many!
Do I need to explain to you what I am talking about? Maybe that's what holds me back from blogging. Feeling like I have to explain and outline the details when all I want to do is paint the big picture. But there is another thing I must learn. Details... the subtleties of life... those little seemingly insignificant moments/details that suddenly become the essence of an experience and a defining moment.
But tonight I'm not in the mood for details... I'm too happy to go plunging into events. Overall, I can tell you this... I have just lost the man I thought I was going to marry and make a life with and make babies with. The one man I thought would stand by me forever and never falter. And I was wrong. Life gives and then it takes away. That is its nature. We must learn to accept it or never be happy.
I'm terribly sorry if this is all too cryptic but I'm not capable of anything else tonight and I thought I would let you in for a peek anyway :)

I reaaaaaaaaaally want to do this more often and I promise I will make the effort. I promise

xx