Well I don't really have much to say today. Work was pretty hectic which seems to be the pattern lately however this morning I was actually looking forward to a less busy couple of days... no such luck!
Talk about coincidence though, after blogging on here last night and mentioning how much I was missing Kayv a long e-mail arrived from him about 2 minutes after :)
I need to check when Father's Day is. I think it's this weekend or the next and I've actually been thinking I should send my Dad a card or something. I think that would be nice.
Like I said... not much to say. I'm not feeling or thinking much right now. Was so knackered when I came home I sat down and did some knitting for a while. It's like meditating.
Gotta go write a couple of e-mails... Am trying to stay up-to-date with those too!
xxx

Well, it's been a little over a week I guess since I posted here. Last time I was so emotionally distraught but the thing is with me I get so worked up about things it never lasts very long. Then I collapse exhausted feeling like I've just been hit by a hurricane.
I sent the ring back on Tuesday. I'd never had any intention of keeping it, regardless of what he might think. The reason I had held off at first was because he had told me he was glad I hadn't sent the stuff back yet... that he wasn't sure he was doing the right thing. Then after that I just wanted to make sure he sent me the suitcase money. That was important to me because I've always been a giver and I've given and lost so many things to past boyfriends that this time I just felt it was important to ask for something back.
That night I only told him I would keep the ring because I was hurt and angry and I knew of no other way to bug him. And apparently it did bug him because over the next couple of days there was a lot of e-mailing back and forth. Some of it quite nasty and to be honest in the end I was just so exhausted I just wanted it to all be over and for him to just leave me alone. I guess I realised no matter how much explaining I did he was never going to see my perspective because he just wasn't even going to try - he just couldn't give a flying fuck. And why should I go on being sad and hurting over someone who just doesn't give a fuck. So I deleted his last e-mail without replying and I sent him the stuff back without a note or anything. I just hope he stays away.
I've been absolutely fine ever since.
Fine about him, that is. Don't ask me about my beliefs in love or relationships or marriage right now... I'm not quite clear on those yet. Right now it seems like relationships are the most unnatural thing we could ever subject ourselves to.
Work has been busy again... very busy and challenging and I've been sinking my teeth into it and actually enjoying it.
On the home front, I'd been looking to move out by myself or just move as I wasn't sure I could live with Trace anymore - a lot of little things just finally got to me. And sometimes it's not so little things to me - like the fact that I'm sitting here now simmering under the surface because she used up all the hot water washing her hair and she knows that I always have a quick shower when I get home from work usually because I'm in pain and the hot water provides soothing relief. But obviously she doesn't care too much about that. That's the problem with Trace - she can be such a selfish cow. Always. Even way back when we were at school.
And then there's the not being sure about wanting to live with a small baby who will be crawling soon and into all my things (all the furniture in the place is mine). I'm not sure... I'm still very confused about what to do. Part of me thinks that Trace and Presley are my family and we are happy most of the time and we do have a lovely home. Then if I wanted to live by myself I'd have to move away from the East and the ocean and probably forego an outdoor area - so there, I'm confused.
Can't just stay here forever but maybe it's not the time to move yet and I'm just in a frenzied panic because since I broke up with Don it feels like I have to re-evaluate my whole life. Silly really isn't it.
I'm also really aching for Lakotah - if you don't know, Lakotah is the little dog I dream of getting and have yearned for so long now. I've seen the kind I want - gorgeous little thing full of character and looking much like an Ewok. I talked to Trace about it again yesterday and she would be ok with me getting it.
I'd have to check with the landlord. One of my biggest reservations was that I'm gone for 11 hours a day during the week. The good thing is while I'm living with Trace she would be here a lot since she's a single stay-at-home mum.
But what after that? having a pet seriously diminishes rental opportunities. I don't know if I should be caring about that right now. I mean if we always thought so much about ifs and buts we'd never do anything right?

Said it before and I'll say it again, I'm really missing Kayv at the moment. He keeps me updated on the Japan factor which is great ... but even though I miss him I'm still crap at replying when I should. I'm just so used to him always being here when I want to talk to him. I'm glad he's doing what he's doing though - he seems to be loving it.

Anyway, can't write too much in one go can I! :)

xx

I let some angry words spew out of me tonight. You know how it is? when you feel so sick inside and you think 'if only I could just vomit I'd be ok?'. That's how it was. But I was so angry. So angry.
So angry that someone I could have let so close could treat me with so little respect and consideration. And now that all is said, all I can do is cry because no matter what I say I still don't understand. I'm still clawing at the misshapen heap that once was 'us'. I'm still feeling Indigo as a vacancy in my womb.
And Curt will be disappointed that I let this happen. That I lost my cool. But where the hell is he?
I was spiteful. I said I wasn't going to send the ring back. That I was going to keep it as compensation for his being such an arsehole. I couldn't believe he found no compassion within him. Maybe he doesn't understand... if I were to put it into pictures it was like this... picture the scene:
The good woman struggling to control her hysteria at the unexpected blow from the man who was once such a tender lover and now looked at her so cold as though she were an empty shell. The blow was minor perhaps by a man's standards but she had not expected to see him and she was suddenly like a doe caught in the spotlight. Terrified of what might happen or what might be said. Confused. And then he coldly says what he had to say to her. Not much has changed for him, he just wakes at a different hour. And in her mind she's pleading with him, pathetically clutching on to him, slipping down to the ground and holding on to his leg and begging to understand. And though in reality all he said was 'take care' before virtually slamming the door in her face, to her bruised heart and head and ego he might as well have kicked her repeatedly and spat on her.
And then she sits alone on the floor and catches sight of herself in the window. She's a mess. Tortured. And then she gets angry. Angry at the humiliation, wanting to tear her insides out and wishing she'd never felt.

And look... now he's replied just enough times to soften me out of my anger towards him. Just long enough to turn it around on me and tell me that I was the one dealing out the low blows. Just enough times for me to explain myself yet again. And no reply. Nothing from him.
God it must be great to be so unfeeling and to see a woman you once thought was so great grovelling and crying at your feet.
Else it must be so great to just be able to forget so easily and to just re-adjust your schedule a little and move on without a second thought. You know, maybe if he had a great life I wouldn't find that so insulting. But the truth is, it's not a great life. It's a parody. He told me himself when he was here that he did more with me in the first two weeks he was here, than he'd done in the last 3 years. What does that tell you?
And now it's back to that dilemma. Do I send him back the ring or not. Can I send him back the words he said when he proposed? can we just rewind on the whole thing and pretend it never happened?
"I wanted to get you something different... because you're different. My whole life I could never have imagined meeting someone as amazing as you..." Sorry, I don't remember the exact words because I was so overcome and crying but the basic gist was that now that he had found me he never wanted to let me go and would I marry him.
Well, it turns out never was a mighty short time. And the person who comes along once in a lifetime if you're lucky was after all quite disposable.
No, try as I might, I'll never understand it.
I think I have to stay away from love - it's too cruel for me.

Once my lover
Now my friend
What a cruel thing
To pretend
What a cunning way
To condescend
Once my lover and
Now my friend
Oh, you creep up
Like the clouds
And you set my soul at ease
Then you let
Your love abound
And you bring me
To my knees
Oh, it's evil, babe
The way you let
Your grace enrapture me
When will you know
I'd be insane
To ever let that
Dirty game recapture me

You made me
A shadowboxer, baby
I wanna be ready
For what you do
I've been swinging
All around me
'Cause I don't know
When you're gonna
Make your move

Oh, your gaze
Is dangerous
And you fill your
Space so sweet
If I let you
Get too close
You'll set your
Spell on me
So darlin'
I just wanna say
Just in case
I don't come through
I was on to every play
I just wanted you

But, oh, it's so evil
My love
The way you've no
Reverence to my concern
So I'll be sure to
Stay wary of you, love
To save the pain of
Once my flame and
Twice my burn

You made me
A shadowboxer, baby
I wanna be ready
For what you do
I've been swinging
All around me
'Cause I don't know
When you're gonna
Make your move

- "Shadowboxer" - Fiona Apple (Tidal)

I went tripping down memory lane with Trace tonight. Places I hadn't been for a very long time.
Do you remember how we were? How we talked and shared and trusted? How it was you and me against the world?
You were my muse. I've never had another.
There are some things you never allow yourself to think about for whatever reason. But someone opened a door a few days ago... only a crack mind, but that's all it takes.
How I loved you, Angel boy. And how you hurt me.
And how I hurt you in turn, but you might never know... never know how much and how I hurt myself not trying.
You put me at a crossroad and my life has changed so much since then. The choices I made on a gut feeling. "I'm leaving you" we used to laugh. "I'm leaving you" until one day I did. And as happy as I was, so thirsty for new beginnings, I was torn.
I'll have to find those poems - I'm sure they must be here somewhere.
Remember how we used to be? You'd paint and I'd write.

There is something so profound and meaningful about those days. Not just because of you but because of me and who I was and where I was and because of Carls and who we were and where we were.
I always say that I've no regrets about my life, that there's nothing I'd do over again if given the choice... but if I could choose a time to go back to? A time when I wasn't always happy but I was somehow in step with life, it would be then.
It would be a return to innocence (cue Enigma)

xx

Bad bad me hasn't written for a few days. You can't just leave your blog on a note like that!
Well sorry... to fill you in, my health hasn't been so good the last couple of weeks and I'm going through a very painful flare-up and quite frankly sick of downing pain killers. BUT it'll pass... it always does. Everything does eventually.
I spent the weekend way out West with my Mum at my grandmother's place. It was good to see some family. It hurt a bit thought... Last time I was there and saw them all was with He Who Must Not Be Named so it brought back a lot of memories.
Still, we had a nice time apart from the fact I was completely unwell and in agony. I somehow managed to finish the beautiful scarf I was knitting - Trace is putting the fringing on it as we speak. My uncle also brought me his guitar, so as soon as this inflammation eases off I reckon I'll be starting on my lessons!
I went and met my beautiful friend Casey for dinner tonight... she's 4.5 months pregnant! :) It's so lovely to see and it was awesome seeing her. We don't see each other enough but then we're both so busy and also love our time alone.
I also got a reply from my beloved Carls today... it made me all teary as usual.
"Why do they cast aside diamonds for stones?", she asks.
I have no idea
But I have been letting myself think about it more these past few days instead of blocking it out and forging ahead. I'm trying to process it all now and I'm feeling rather humbled and sometimes foolish and so miss that beautiful person in my life... because he really is a beautiful person.
It will pass in time, right?

xx

I'm definitely not myself tonight. I just did a spelling test on msn and only got 9/10! And the word I got wrong? sacrilegious. How ridiculous, of course I bloody well know how to spell sacrilegious... I just did!
Sacrilegious:
Relating to, involving, or committing the violation, desecration, or theft of something considered holy or sacred

How very apt. Very fucking apt. Ok, I'll only let myself feel this for a little bit and then I'll tuck it safely away again where no one can see it, least of all me.
Why couldn't he just be an arsehole?? Why couldn't he have just sent me the money folded in a white blank piece of paper??
Why did he have to send it to me in a birthday card now when it seems so thoughtfully cruel?? And why do I know deep down that it's because his intentions are not cruel. I've been wondering the last couple of days if I'm just in denial... If I'm firmly planting a lid on my grief because the whole sorry sight of it just seems too pathetic for words and I can't allow myself to be so - so when people ask me about it it's always 'oh we're broken up, but I don't want to talk about it thanks because I'm doing really well'. And then I let my mind drift on the bus on the way home today and thought about the way it used to be. And then the card and the money came today, and along with them came all the tears. The pain in my gut. The sting in my heart and in my eyes. The 'Why??'
And I told him I'd let him know if I got the money or not but I can't let myself e-mail him now because I'd feel the urge to explain what I'm going through and he doesn't deserve to know how I feel. Because every time I've taken the time to explain myself since the last phone call he's dismissed it all with a two line e-mail and that's not right. I'm worth more than that. So all he's allowed from me is a 'Hi, the money got here safely. Thanks'
Why did he sign his card with 'I hope everything is going well for you'. What the hell does he reckon?? and he doesn't hope nor does he care.
I have to send him the other stuff back as soon as possible... the ring. It all needs to go. I can't bear to be sad like this and pining. Broken hearts are so damn cliched.

Argh! I just realised this blog's all wrong.
Something needs to be done about it. I wish I wasn't going away this weekend so I could fix this.
It needs to replace my hand-writing and it doesn't
It's stifled

I had a really hectic day at work today. You know when you're in such a frenzy that you seem to be floating somewhere outside your body? and you just have to trust that you're doing the right thing because you just don't have a spare second to doubt yourself?
That's what today was like for me. I don't mind it though, in fact I like that work is busy for me again. It gives me a sense of purpose and achievement... the only time I get frustrated really is when I feel like I don't know what I'm doing. I hate feeling inadequate.
I hit a low-ish point today at one stage though. Following an e-mail from a friend of a friend I found out that my best friend Carla's album was launched in the States on 29th July and not only did I not know about it, but I hadn't even heard it. By the way, I should add here I'm not really sure why I still call her my best friend because I think I'm too old for that... but you get the idea... she's family, part of me. I want to be able to share in her triumphs. I don't want to have to read about them in newspapers, magazines and web message boards. So I guess it really cut me. It's weird... there's also another side to a very close friend of yours becoming famous, and that's that suddenly you have to share them. You have to share the beauty of them with so many people.
I'm sure I'll adjust to this in time and it won't take too long. I know my Carls, and I know she's strong enough to keep it real. If anyone can handle fame and remain unphased, she can.
So anyway, here's the plug. Check it out, Departure by Carla Werner. Or visit her website at www.carlawerner.com

I wrote her a long e-mail tonight explaining myself. But also to my horror realised that I had not told her about the fact that I had split up with my fiance... so I had to do that too

Just a quick note today. It's almost 11 pm (my bedtime). I'm just sitting here catching up with a few online friends and listening to Mazzy Star and wandering through my thoughts.
Went to see a friend's gig tonight... Nina. I'm so proud of her. It was her big dream and she's getting out there and doing it.
It was also the first time in a long time that I've been out at night. It was definitely a bit (a lot) scary for me and I did almost pike out but I'm so glad Smella is so stubborn.
I also heard from my Uncle today... he has agreed to lending me his guitar!! So now I can finally learn as I've always wanted to. Also want to start doing my vocal exercises again and get my voice back in shape. So excited am I :)
I just really hope that my hands let me... but one can only try eh :)

Ok, bed time for me. I could ramble on about all sorts of things but I won't :)

It was a beautiful day here in Sydney today. I think we reached about 22 degrees which is amazing for August. It was a perfect Spring day in Winter.
I forfeited it however to tend to my domestic duties. With Mum staying with me the past 3 weeks and all that other stuff going on, my poor house - and especially my room - had been neglected. Well it's officially all clean now, top to bottom, inside out and back to front.
Took a stroll at about 3 o'clock to soak in some sunshine - yummy.
Shit, just remembered it's council pick up day tomorrow and I didn't put my old monitor outside. Oh well, too late now... am too tired and can't be arsed worrying about it.
I had a good conversation with Rich today. It got me thinking of a few things but I think we're only scratching the surface so far - maybe. Who knows. Rich, I'm really really sorry I hurt you and I'm glad I have been given the chance to say this to you.
I don't want to say too much here and get lost up my own arse this late at night. I'm better off getting into my jammies and going to read in bed.
Just quickly though... Frida... I really enjoyed it. I found it extremely inspiring. Almost felt ashamed of myself (no Rich, NOT because I enjoyed the lesbian scenes :P) ... will explain some time during the week I think, because it would involve getting lost up... you know the drill :)

Ninite :) (Maci, ps: I hope you had a really good weekend and thank you for helping me with the colours and stuff because you actually inspired me to get off my arse and do it myself. Love ya!)

Oh... one more thing... My good friend Kayv is now officially gone to Japan and he's net-less and goodness I miss him a lot already *sigh*

Ok, that's it for real now...

Ninite!
xx

So much stays unknown until the time has come,
Did you imagine you could ever be so strong,
And watch your fear just turn into relief,
Yes see your doubt become your own belief,
Though tears don't come to cry some grief away,
The tears will help to keep your need at bay.
So come on now come on now child,
You're here just a while,
Come on now come on now child,
You're here just a while.
My mother told me just before she died,
My mother told me just before she died,
Oh darling darling don't you be like me,
You will fall in love with the very first man you meet,
But mother mother some will never know,
The love that you have installed in my soul.
So come on now come on now child,
You're here a little while,
Come on now come on now child,
You're here just a while,
You're here just a while.
So much stays unknown 'til the time you are strong,
Did you imagine you could ever feel so strong,
And all your pain just turns into relief
Yeah all your doubt becomes your own relief
Though tears don't come to cry some grief away,
The years will help to keep your need at bay.
So come on now come on now child,
You're here just a while,
Come on now come on now child,
You're here just a while.
And you might as well smile,
You might as well smile,
'Cos tomorrow you just don't know,
It will pass, It's gonna pass, It will pass in time,
It will pass in time, It will pass, It's gonna pass in time,
It's gonna pass, It's gonna pass in time, It will pass in time,
It will pass, It's gonna pass, It's gonna pass.

- Beth Orton - Pass in Time.

Ok, I haven't posted for a couple of days or so because let's face it... my last post was pretty depressing and I was sick of putting myself out there as some sort of lunatic who chants to the full moon and slashes herself with razor blades.
Big milestone today... I got an e-mail from 'He Who Must Not Be Named' (HWMNBN) and I got no pangs, no tears, no anxious butterflies, no pain, nothing. How good is that! I'm amazed at my progress, honestly. Other people are amazed at my progress too. Trace (my flatmate) told me last night that after the breakup she thought I'd be howling my misery for months and crying all day in agony. Fuck that.
I'm feeling very strong and positive and it's probably due to a combination of things. I had all sorts of theories last night but none really come to mind right this minute.
I think one thing that HWMNBN did was save me from shutting myself off emotionally for all time. I took a risk with him when I hadn't taken one for a long time and really didn't think I was capable of it anymore. Now I see that I can be loved and accepted, even with this disease that so changed my life in many many ways. I'm really seeing clearly now where I'd been headed before HWMNBN pushed me to open up and let him in. I'm really grateful for that.
Granted, at the moment I'm feeling VERY cynical about marriage. I might get over that one day, and I might not. But the main thing is that I can see so many possibilities in life where I did not see them before.
So one day I really hope we can be friends again... it's just too soon right now.
In other news...
I told Rich today that I had a herbalist and he proceeded to ask me if I was a vegan. HA! Talk about stereotypes. Shame on you! :)
BTW Rich, I saw the picture of your sister's cafe and hilarious as it might be, I really do think we would get on! :)
The last 3 weekends I had my Mum staying with me (which was lovely) so this weekend I decided to take time out and spend some time cleaning my house etc and doing nice things for myself.
Started by going out for brekkie this morning with my flatmate and our little pet baby Presley. That was nice.
Then scooted across town to see my Herbalist (ha :P) for my fortnightly check up and stock up. Did a bit of shopping.
Got a cab home... that's always a bit of a nightmare. For some reason I'm one of those people that everyone wants to talk to. He was asking me all sorts of questions, bless him... an old married Greek man with a wife and 4 kids. The wife apparently never leaves the kitchen and he loves that about her. He asked me if I cooked for myself.... geezus. Yes, I said. Toast mostly :)
But you have to have vegetables! they cleanse your system!
I don't like cooking just for myself
Then you have to get yourself a boyfriend and cook for him!
I just split up with my fiance
OH! Well what happened?

LOL cripes eh? lucky I'm balanced (arguable) because surely asking questions like that you're just asking to be held responsible for someone throwing themselves under a train at peak hour.

Got a movie out for tonight... Frida (Rich, no comments allowed about Salma). I'd read a book about Frida Kahlo a while back. Found it fascinating that such a woman had had an affair with Leon Trotsky. Wonder what the movie will be like. I'll keep you posted!

xx

The Eye of the Beholder

If you asked me what I Love,
I would answer quite simply Beauty.
But if instead
You asked for my definition of Beauty,
Then I would have to say...


It's Butterflies that flutter by
A Marshmallow speckled Sky,
Bees buzzing 'round Lavender stems,
And the lacy edges of Petticoat hems.


It's Puppies snuggling to keep warm,
A Caterpillar taking on a new form,
A Little Girl's elbows resting on Daddy's head,
And Powder blue sheets on a Summer bed.


It's the Belly Chuckle of a Baby,
The Offchance that Maybe,
Swimming Naked in the Ocean,
And letting yourself go to its Steady Motion.


Beauty is in Everything
That moves your spirit to Laughter
And even still
It is your Face that glows
For quite a while After.


It's breathing Sighs,
Lovers' Lies,
A breezy Whisper in your Ear,
And the Wiping away of a Lonely Tear.


It's the Sun shining on your Face,
The Frailty of the Human race,
Secret wishes on shooting Stars,
And humbly bearing all of Life's Scars.


It's the purest of Intentions,
The basest of Inventions,
The Bold swing of Pride,
And what the Hell, just going along for the Ride.


Beauty is in Everything
That stirs your Voice to Song,
And even still It is the People who feel
Your Words and sing Along.


It's in the Rise of the Downtrodden,
The Remembrance of the long Forgotten,
The Eternal struggle to be Free,
And the Basic need to just hug a Tree.


It's opening your Eyes to a Glorious sunrise,
The thought that lay Hidden behind the Surprise,
The flicker of a Candle flame,
And blushing at the mention of a Sweetheart's Name.


It's Waves crashing on solid Rock,
The bright Colours of my favourite Frock,
The Brushstroke of a Master painter,
And past Dark patches growing Fainter.


Beauty is in Everything
That softens you to Tears
And even still It's the Compassion
You feel for all your Peers.


Beauty is in Everything.