Two things: I really hate this blog design now - it seems too overpowering. I think I want to go back to white. Something simple and clean to write upon.
The other thing is that I need to set up my archives. Must get to fixing these two things pronto.

It's been a while since I've written. Sorry. I found myself in a very bad place and got sick of talking about it to people because that didn't help and to be honest when people aren't on the same emotional or mental plane as you it can kinda seem like they don't give a damn. I know this is not necessarily so, but it's hard to find the right words and you can never really feel another's pain. So I kind of felt like I was thrashing about like a fish out of water and exposing too much of myself at a very fragile time.
I went and got help. I went to see my homeopath who has saved me so many times in the past (the guy is truly amazing). I always go there expecting to spend 2 hours bawling my eyes out as a result of his expert counselling. This time I had none of that but he knew exactly what I was going through and where I was coming from and he told me that I didn't need to talk about it. That I could talk about it till I was blue in the face and I still wouldn't feel better. He was right. He gave me some drops that took a couple of days to kick in and now I feel like a new woman. I told you, he's amazing. I am no longer gripped by fear and anxiety and pain, and no longer waking in the middle of the night in panic. So I'm coping again and I have to say that that is very nice.
On 16th December I'm going to see Robbie Williams in concert. I am going to see Robbie Williams because he is being supported by none other than the mighty.... DURAN DURAN. Who would have thought I'm finally getting to see them 20 years on. I can't tell you how excited I am. To think that without Duran Duran, Paul and I might never have really met.
I've been sitting here reading John Taylor's site: www.trusttheprocess.com
A bit of a wanky title really, but there's some good stuff in there. Some weblog entries of his from 1998 that are very candid. Some loopy chicks on the message board who made me not feel bad about the fact that I have impure thoughts about my 15 year old nephew's best friend... Stuff like that hehehe
Had a successful hour of shopping today. Gotta love this. The best shopping expedition I've had in years because to be honest I hate shopping when I'm not a perfect size 10. But today I walked into one shop and within 20 minutes I had a pair of black pants, a white t-shirt, and a pair of jeans. The staples of every woman's wardrobe.

I'm so looking forward to the 1st of October. I'm flying up North after work. Will spend the night at my Dad's - haven't seen him in about 7 years and when I did see him 7 years ago it was the first time in 10 years - then I'll spend the next day with him getting to know him a bit. I do have some good memories of him, they're not all bad. And it's nice getting to know him now that I'm older and more forgiving and more understanding.
Also looking forward to going to the beach with Mum while I'm up there and hanging out with my sisters. For it to be us girls again like the old days. I've bought 3 films for my camera. I do believe this will be the last time we will all be together so I have to make it count. I'm making some compilation cd's to bond over... it'll be great.

RAAAAAR!
Sitting here listening to A-ha "Stay on these roads"
Kayv was on msn yesterday for a bit - one of those rare occasions he's had access to a computer since being in Japan. Got to talking about music and geeze... we're both children of the eighties. I have Alphaville on mp3.
I was listing definitive albums - ones that shaped my love for music. Probably got to thinking of that because someone asked me the other day "If you were going to be stranded on a deserted island and could only bring 1 cd, which would it be?"
Bloody tough question. Don't think I'd ever be able to answer it.
Definitive albums:
The Cure - Kiss me Kiss me Kiss me
U2 - The Joshua Tree
Depeche Mode - Black Celebration and Music for the Masses
Indochine - 3 and 7000 Danses
Simple Minds - Live in the City of Light
Madonna - Like a Virgin
A-ha - Hunting high and low
Etienne Daho - Pop Satori

Argh! Jesus I want to be right back there! Malibu was my drink back then and shit I was so young. Come to think of it - 10, 11, 12. Woah hehehe
I installed Kazaa yesterday too. Downloaded Louis Bertignac - Ces idees-la (*bebe, faudrait rentrer tu voix.. je suis en mal d'etre avec toi. La machine a cafe est detraquee...*) and Lio - Les brunes comptent pas pour des prunes. Hahaha that's some cheesy stuff right there.
I also decided I'm going to invest in a cd burner because I now have almost 600 mp3s and I believe that's quite a good collection to start making some good compilation cds with.
Best album of all time? could well be U2 - Achtung baby.

Today I did the two things I had to do... well I did a lot more than that. I actually made it back to work and it was very good for me. Yesterday just took its toll and I can't let myself fall apart right now. So I booked in to see my homeopath/counsellor - next Tuesday evening. And I booked my plane ticket for the October long weekend. I wasn't going to go but it's priceless really - it will most probably be the last time we can all get together with mum alive. It's not something I can miss out on - I'd regret it forever.
What I need to do tomorrow perhaps is book my first singing lesson. At times like these all we really have is the passion that burns deep within us and we need to allow that to manifest in whatever way possible. For me it's words and music. And people.

So anyway, anyone else care to share on the music front? Maybe we could do some various top-fives a la 'High Fidelity' stylee

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

- Robert Frost - The Road Not Taken

Ok, I'm done. I had a two hour phone conversation with my sister this afternoon, rambled quite a bit to my flatmate, and wrote Kayv quite a long e-mail so really I feel that I've nothing left to say that I've not said already today. So instead I posted some lyrics and a couple of poems to maybe give you an idea of where I'm at.

xxx
Tash*

When the spent sun throws up its rays on cloud
And goes down burning into the gulf below,
No voice in nature is heard to cry aloud
At what has happened. Birds, at least must know
It is the change to darkness in the sky.
Murmuring something quiet in her breast,
One bird begins to close a faded eye;
Or overtaken too far from his nest,
Hurrying low above the grove, some waif
Swoops just in time to his remembered tree.
At most he thinks or twitters softly, 'Safe!
Now let the night be dark for all of me.
Let the night be too dark for me to see
Into the future. Let what will be, be.'

- Robert Frost - Acceptance

I sit and wait
Does an angel contemplate my fate
And do they know
The places where we go
When we're grey and old
coz I've been told
That salvation lets their wings unfold
So when I'm lying in my bed
Thoughts running through my head
And I feel that love is dead
I'm loving angels instead
(Chorus )
And through it all
She offers me protection
A lot of love and affection
Whether I'm right or wrong
And down the waterfall
Wherever it may take me
I know that life won't break me
When I come to call
She won't forsake me
I'm loving angels instead
When I'm feeling weak
And my pain walks down a one way street
I look above
And I know I'll always be blessed with love
And as the feeling grows
She breathes flesh to my bones
And when love is dead
I'm loving angels instead

- Robbie Williams - Angels.

Wow, this is some freaky shit. I was reading through old logs of conversations with a certain someone tonight, and I came across this url: www.colorgenics.com
I did it ages ago but don't remember the results, and besides I think they change all the time depending on where you're at emotionally etc.
I did a few tests tonight and they were all completely accurate. One was so accurate in fact that I had to share it:

Your Mood: You are probably feeling overwhelmed at the moment. It is as if you have too much on your plate and need time out. Perhaps you need a rest so that you can recharge your batteries; at the moment do not feel ready to take on more challenges. You feel more determined than usual and are not prepared to put up with unnecessary delay or restriction. Not in the mood to be told what to do you resent anyone trying to control your behavior. You do not want to be held back at this time.

Your Present Situation: Your present situation is overwhelming you and your response is to become increasingly stubborn and idealistic. Because you feel unable to handle everything that is going on, it’s easier to break down and ignore the issues.You want to escape a stressful situation in your life but are afraid of the consequences. You worry that if you make changes you will be worse off. In a sense you are torn between your need to break out and the risks to your security that any changes might bring.