*Listening to Pearl Jam - Alive (Live and Unplugged)*
Well, the end of yet another year is near and as is our tradition we take time out to take stock and perhaps contemplate what we have sown. I'll not speak on a personal level tonight... well, personal yes, but on the broader scale of the world we live in. It has been a year of much turmoil and I fear still what is to come. As I sit here, I want to share two things with you:
http://www.michaelmoore.com/words/index.php
and http://www.smh.com.au/articles/2003/12/28/1072546411783.html
But as I sit here I also think of the protests against the war and the protests against the inhumane treatment of asylum seekers, and I recall Trace asking me if I believe that protesting actually works. Absolutely it does and though there is a shadow cast over our world, 'a fizzy light bursts to bright' and I have hope for the future. And so tonight I pray that I, and the ones I love, have the courage to not join in 'the turning away'...

"On the turning away
From the pale and downtrodden
And the words they say
Which we won't understand
"Don't accept that what's happening
Is just a case of others' suffering
Or you'll find that you're joining in
The turning away"

It's a sin that somehow
Light is changing to shadow
And casting it's shroud
Over all we have known
Unaware how the ranks have grown
Driven on by a heart of stone
We could find that we're all alone
In the dream of the proud

On the wings of the night
As the daytime is stirring
Where the speechless unite
In a silent accord
Using words you will find are strange
And mesmerized as they light the flame
Feel the new wind of change
On the wings of the night

No more turning away
From the weak and the weary
No more turning away
From the coldness inside
Just a world that we all must share
It's not enough just to stand and stare
Is it only a dream that there'll be
No more turning away? "

-Pink Floyd - On The Turning Away-

Peace.

I've just spent all day on the Internet. I haven't done that for years and I feel really guilty and fat-arsed for it!
Lately I've been going to a French chatroom to practice my French, only I didn't count on the people being so friendly and actually making new friends there. One especially comes to mind and we ended up spending all day today chatting - well, all night for him. Every now and then he mentioned that I would be surprised if I saw a picture of him because people have pre-conceptions of what people they meet will look like and the reality hardly ever fits the imagined person. Well, we all know this to be true. What's bugging me right now then? Well, just before he went to bed he decided to send me a picture of himself without my asking for it. And when I looked at it, yes I was surprised. Surprised at myself perhaps too because it had never entered my mind that this guy could be anything but Caucasian and he wasn't. Is that bad? No, not at all. To me it's like imagining someone has blond hair when in fact they have black hair. He just has black skin instead of white. I admitted to being surprised. The thing is, he then said that next time I was on if he was there I should chat to him but that if I didn't want to anymore then that was OK and he would understand. I'm trying not to think that he took me for a racist and rather think that obviously that has been his experience in the past - but it's very hard! People make such a big deal about racism and political correctness that we no longer know when we are being racist! Am I making sense??
I couldn't care less what colour skin he has. He's a really nice guy who made me feel very welcome in a new environment, who helps me with my French and I've had nice conversations with him! That's all!
Anyway, unfortunately I couldn't say anything about his comment because he had to go to bed... it's like 8 am there or something hehe
Enough about that.
I had a really good Christmas this year. I guess this whole month has been great, starting from the work Christmas party at which I drank for the first time in over 2 years and had to get up and do the Lambada in front of a few hundred people, then onto the Robbie Williams concert, then Carols in the Domain which was absolutely beautiful and then finally Christmas.
There were 100 thousand people at Carols, all in good spirits and come together in peace which is so rare these days. It rained but we didn't let that bother us.
I've been spending lots of time with Mum and it's been lovely. I'm making the most of it since I don't know when I will spend Christmas with her again. We've done a lot of visiting and a lot of eating and I was glad to be able to do nothing today.
The week after next I'll finally be able to apply for my Canadian visa. The trip seems so close now that the year is ending and there is an underlying panic at the prospect of saying goodbye to Mum. It's too painful to think about and I really hope I'll be ok when the time comes. These last few months for me have been all about overcoming fears and getting myself back on track. I'm amazed at the difference in myself. But to be honest my biggest fear was always that of losing my Mum and leaving her especially now might be the hardest thing I've ever done. I pray that she keeps on fighting and lives to see me again.

I saw my Dad today. On Sunday I received an e-mail from him saying he was going to be in Sydney for a business meeting today and asking to meet me if I had some spare time. I haven't seen him for almost 3 months and I figure I should take advantage of every opportunity so I left work at 2.30 and bolted across the city to go meet him and his business partner at Cockle Bay. It was great, I loved every minute of it. It would have been nice if we'd had more time but I'm grateful for what we had. Bless him, he even cried at one stage and we weren't even talking about anything of significance. He also told me he has Emphysema (?sp) which was complete news to me. He said he's had it for a couple of years and was fine with it but lately it's been playing up a little and he's cut down on his smoking. Normally I would tell someone to quit, but in this circumstance I know that when you have been smoking for a very very long time and your lungs are already sick, quitting can actually exacerbate the condition.
He had to rush off at 5 pm to make his plane so I started some long overdue Christmas shopping. I started and could easily have gone overboard, in fact I have to be very strict with myself and keep myself in check. I just checked my bank account and ... yikes! that's all I can say and I've barely started! Oh well, it only comes once a year and I don't know when I'll get the chance to spend Christmas with Mum again so it's worth it. I even bought myself a silly christmas hat to wear to Carols in the Domain on Saturday - I can't wait for that! Oh and I bought a toy for an underpriviledged kid to put under the tree at K-mart because every year I tell myself I'm going to do it and every year I forget. Not this year, baby!
I also went through my cupboards and found a whole bunch of tins of food that I didn't even know I had and obviously don't really know what to do with, so I'm going to bring those into work for the Salvo or Anglicare appeal. I hear charities are having a hard time this year so I'm going to try and get everyone at work into the spirit of giving. Warren, our Senior Trainer, raided the 2 dollar shop yesterday and bought a xmas tree and some decorations and little presents to put under the tree so today I helped him set that up and it looks gorgeous :)
Mum and I are spending Xmas Eve at Smella's Mum's house as is the tradition of late. I've already ordered the Christmas Log (YUM!). I was thinking of making a roast for Xmas day (Trace always makes trifle) but now Trace is saying she would like meatloaf (arf!). I guess it can get so hot here on Christmas day that roast isn't always a good idea. I might see about getting some prawns and cherries.
Well, I guess I'm getting into the spirit of things this year huh? :)

Well, what can I say... it was an awesome show. Did I mention that it was actually a Robbie Williams concert and he invited Duran Duran to come support him on his tour? I think I might have neglected that detail in my Duranie mania. So I've never been to such a huge performance before. I'm trying to think whether I've ever been surrounded by so many people and I think I have but I'm too tired to think where. Anyway, the concert was held at Aussie Stadium next to Fox Studios. There were no less than 55,000 people present, I kid you not. It was awe inspiring, just a sea of people. At one stage Robbie was singing with no accompaniement other than an acoustic guitar - I think it was 'Feel' and suddenly he went quiet and 55,000 voices swept through the air and it sounded so beautiful it sent shivers up my spine. He really put on a great show full of energy and he really gives 100% of himself. Perhaps there's an added benefit to coming from a boy band in that he learnt to perform. There is such an art to it you know, not only you have to sing the songs but the whole time you have to be aware of every part of your body. Ok, I could actually be rambling. I know what I'm trying to say but I'm feeling very tired so it's hard to get any structure in my thoughts. I'm not a huge Robbie Williams fan. I like a lot of his songs - they're all very catchy. I like his voice. I believe his rise to solo fame began with Millenium back in 1998. I was living in London at the time and loved that song. I loved Robbie back then. Watched a lot of his interviews and found him to be very witty, intelligent, down to earth... and then out of nowhere he seemed to me to have become a wanker. I think he just lost it. It's understandable - imagine having 55,000 coming to see you perform. Imagine having to give your best to people all the time. I couldn't stand it. And he's doing another show in Sydney tomorrow, so over two days he'll have entertained in excess of 100,000 people! Actually that's how his show started out, once the curtains were drawn back the stage bursts with light and out runs Robbie in a black hooded sweatshirt with a white scarf around his neck and his opening song - Let Me Entertain You. Very apt :)
Anyway, so basically it was absolutely great and I recommend anyone go see him live if you get the chance. I wasn't a big fan of such a huge stadium as a place for a concert, but if you're going to see someone who puts on a good show it's well worth it. So here I'll begin my Duran Duran comments because they quite tie in with what I just said. It's hard playing support. You don't have your own stage set and space and you know that the people you're playing for mostly didn't really come to see you. I was quite stunned a few months ago when they started advertising this show. Stunned that Duran Duran would be playing support for anyone. Then I realised it was a clever way to re-establish themselves to a cross-section of generations and a guaranteed large crowd, gain stadium experience and for Robbie it was a surefire way to guarantee more bums in seats. I felt that they struggled a bit with the whole stadium thing and I really would have loved to see them at a smaller more intimate venue. They didn't have dancers and theatrics and special effects lighting and extravagant staging to back them up, in fact they didn't even have the cover of darkness. So all they had was their music (which of course was fantastic), it was still daylight so really hard to accentuate them in such a huge space, and the sound was not so great from where I was sitting. Anyway, it was so great to see them after all these years and I'm still in love with John Taylor even though he was wearing bad shoes ... well shoes that weren't necessarily bad but just didn't go at all with his grey suit. I also felt that they could have updated their image a little whilst still retaining that Duranie signature. Simon Le Bon was great and on about the third song started really getting into it. I actually spotted his appeal tonight for the first time ever. I could always see why so many girls were in love with Roger Taylor (yep, same name as Queen's drummer) and John Taylor but I could never see the Simon appeal until tonight. Andy Taylor is really really short which kind of surprised me and I'm not sure why the camera focused on him so much. Nick Rhodes was there in his signature white suit :) The best tracks: Planet Earth, Wild Boys, The Reflex, Come Undone, Save a prayer. The very very best: Come Undone which tonight he dedicated to Michael Hutchence.
Best Robbie tracks: Feel, Rock DJ, Let me Entertain You, Angels, Better Man. The very very best: Feel and Angels.
That's about all I can manage to write for tonight because my eyes are closing. Ninite!

Umm... OK. I'm not so sure about my fellow Duranies now that I've read this article: http://www.smh.com.au/articles/2003/12/12/1071125652050.html

Oh my god!! It's tomorrow night!! I can't believe tomorrow night I will be seeing Duran Duran play before me for a whole hour. I've been waiting 20 years for this!
I can't tell you how excited I am... I have to rest my voice so it's fresh to sing along with my fellow Duranies!
Oh yeah... and I guess Robbie might be ok too hehe

I still have to tell about the Christmas party last night but am pretty tired and seedy right now so I'll wait for tomorrow.

One more sleep!!

I went back to work today and it was a very busy day as seems to be the norm these days. I'm going to have to do some overtime, which I guess is a good thing because every little bit of cash helps. This time at home alone is going way too fast for my liking - I think Trace gets back on Sunday and everything will be different again. God how I love my solitude.
I had a pretty lazy morning on Saturday. I'd stayed up chatting to Bons, Kev, Kayv and Paul till about 2.30 am and with no baby here I managed to sleep till 10.30 that morning. I did some cleaning before Mum arrived and we just spent some quality time together in the afternoon before the play that evening. The play was great. Was it great because it was a great play, or was it great because Socs was in it? I'm not sure. I don't often go to plays, but I really enjoyed it. It was great to see Socs, he's a very talented actor. It was weird though, as I was watching him I kept getting flashbacks of us goofing about all those years ago. Now is not the time for us to make contact again - will there ever be such a time? I don't know. But some people are momentarily flashed before you like a promise or a sneak preview. One day perhaps, and if not well we served a purpose in each other's lives for a time.
The play was on at the Wharf Theatre down at Wharf 2 so afterwards Mum and I walked back to Circular Quay along the Harbour foreshore and under the bridge's South pylon. It was a beautiful night and my god what a beautiful city I live in. You appreciate it more when you're going away or coming back from being away - sad but true. I guess it's like most things.
The next morning I slept in till 9.30 and was attacked by guilt because I'd been a bit snappy at Mum the night before when we got home. I was really sore and when I'm like that I just need quiet and to be left alone, but she wouldn't stop talking and my nerves just couldn't take it. I wasn't too bad, but every minute is so precious that I get overwhelmed by guilt. Anyway, so Sunday morning I thought it would be nice to take her out to breakfast at the Blue Groper which is a great little cafe around the corner. When we got there the place was pretty packed so we had to sit at the communal table - that is, share with others. The minute we sat down Mum started her usual friendly chat with the guy who was already sitting there. I guess he took that as open season because the next thing he's saying "I was just reading about that MP (member of parliament) who got sacked for stealing a bottle of wine from the office christmas party"... and off they were. I picked up a section of the newspaper and promptly buried myself in it. I had to put it down to order though and they seized this momentous opportunity to pounce on me and drag me in to their dizzying Sunday morning stranger banter. Well it turns out this guy was really nice and we all talked for about 2 hours straight. Jim, his name was. He's travelled a lot and is well educated so it was very interesting. I love that about travelling - how you're more open to just talking to people you wouldn't normally notice. You're much more willing to put yourself out there. Of course my Mum is so friendly she does that wherever she is :)
Apparently I take after her. Ack!
I'm trying to recall some of the things we talked about... of course one of them was the cold in Canada. We talked about Berlin and we talked about the precise German way versus the Aussie "she'll be right, mate" way. We talked about the effects of protesting... umm I can't think of anymore though obviously there was heaps. And Mum came away happy, which was great :)
Then we went and hired a couple of DVDs to have a lazy Sunday afternoon in - which we did quite nicely thank you.
On Sunday night I was supposed to go to the movies with Pete, but 2 weeks in a row we ended up ditching that plan and for the 2nd week in a row Smella dropped in quite unexpectedly. We had a really nice night just the 3 of us. Got Thai takeaway and treated ourselves to some good company and more great conversation, then we watched Solaris which was... kinda odd.
So! that's been the last few days for me!
Yesterday I bought some American Dollars which makes everything seem really close and real now. At the end of this month I'll be able to get my hands on my visa application form. Some time this month or next I also have to take the necessary steps to get my French passport renewed.
Yesterday I also saw Jems which was absolutely awesome. I love that girl. God she's been through hell these last few years, but I can see her pulling through.
She wanted me to go to a gig tonight but I had to decline because the work Xmas party is Thursday night so I have to keep myself well for that.
In other news, Paul has kindly offered to host my site for me and manage all the bits of mine that need managing while I'm away. In order to take advantage of this I had to register a domain name which I justified by making it a Christmas present to myself. So www.fizzylight.com is coming soon to a web browser near you! :)

It's been a few days, but finally here I am. It's hard for me to write when I log on from home these days because it's usually around 9.30 pm and by then I just can't summon the energy. I'm trying to stay offline till later because well firstly there's not much going on till a little later when Paul and Kayv are on, and secondly I'm trying to break a habit and also leave the phone line a little freer so that Trace starts paying more of the damn phone bill. Of course though, no one 's been calling so go figure.
Let me see... I had a pretty quiet weekend but it was amazingly pain free until later on Sunday evening! so that was great. Smella and her boyfriend came over late Sunday afternoon for a little social visit and later in the evening DriveByPete came by with takeaway Thai which was yummy. This week's still been hectic at work - I'm REALLY over it but trying to just apply myself and not burn any bridges. Today Gab (my boss) told me I had an attitude problem. She said it laughingly but she said it a few times so I'm pretty sure she meant it. Anyway, I turned to her and yelled "I DO NOT HAVE AN ATTITUDE PROBLEM!" and then asked if I could leave 10 minutes early to go to the beautician's - because I have my priorities right.
Tomorrow is Friday and I'm very glad of that, though I can't believe how fast time is going at the moment. I'm home alone as of today because Trace and the baby have gone to New Zealand for 10 whole blissful days. YAY!!! It's the first time I'll have been home alone for more than 1 night since living in this place. I'm feeling like a real rebel because I left my tv blanket on the couch. Just dropped it there, all crinkled up and everything. And I have an unwashed plate in the sink, just because I can. And I'm on the Internet early, just because I can. I can use the washing machine whenever I like, the bathroom whenever I fancy, I can watch TV without having to listen to her inane telephone conversations about her hair/clothes/boys/whatever. Anyway, so as you can probably tell I'm very excited. Mum is coming over on Saturday and might stay a few days if she wants to. We're going to see a play at the Wharf Theatre on Saturday night because it's starring an old friend of mine I haven't seen for years ... actually he was the catalyst for my meeting Paul. I can't wait to see him.
Next Thursday is our work Xmas party - it's a Brasilian Salsa kind of theme I think. It should be OK. Then next Saturday is the Robbie Williams and Duran Duran concert. Can't wait to see John Taylor, he's been waiting for me so long!
Sooo as you can see, there's a bit going on at the moment.
And in between all of that I'm reading my Lonely Planet guide to the USA at the moment. That place is going to be a bit shock to me I think. I remember what it was like when I first arrived in London and being surrounded by nothing but English accents. I could barely make out that they were speaking English half the time, let alone understand them. With America it will be different. Occasionally through the course of my work I have to attend conference calls with Americans back in MCI's Mother Country - they're SO loud! So pushy with the way they speak. I think most of them are based in Tulsa or Virginia... I don't know where Tulsa is but I guess Virginia is up on the East Coast near New York and Washington DC. So yes, I think America will be quite a culture shock which is odd since in so many ways Australia is similar to America.

This morning on my way to work, hustling my way through Central station to try to make it to my destination on time, I was approached by a guy handing out pamphlets and wearing a bright blue t-shirt with bold lettering announcing "Jews For Jesus". I mean What the Hell??
I didn't take the pamphlet but now I'm wishing I had because I'm curious.

Oh and no, I haven't heard anything back from my Dad yet. I re-read the e-mail I sent him and I don't think I said anything hurtful but perhaps he would feel overwhelmed or not too willing to scratch the surface.
This blog is a place for me to be myself and speak as honestly as I feel I want to. As such, I am going to post the e-mail I sent him - though I will not be posting his reply if ever there is one forthcoming.

"Bonsoir Papa (PIERRE??)

Peut-etre un peu des betises... in the way that sometimes I can really bore myself with my own dramatics. Perhaps it's the French genes? But this is me, who I am and how I am and perhaps how I always have been? I don't know. I don't really recall myself as a child so I really don't know what perception you have of me or how I fit into that perception now.
Seven years ago yes my spirit was tormented. I was restless, I was in love - unrequited love perhaps or perhaps just the unhealthy selfish/selfless kind, and my father was back in my life and I had a lifetime to reconcile. It was one of the most creative phases in my life to date and I have no regrets. They say timing is everything and I believe that, so regrets don't really count for much do they. It's not so much regrets that I have, Papa. It's things that I saw and took on and was too young to process - how was I to know what the hell to do with all that stuff... all that pain, the sadness, the guilt, the feelings of unworthiness and struggling for a little patch of sunlight. The only way I'm interested in the past now is to liberate myself from some of those things, and believe it or not I've really come a long way. It's just that some of those things still effect the way I react to certain circumstances and situations now. And I owe it to myself to work through it and let it all go.
You're right, I am very critical of myself and you're not the first to point it out. I'm harder on myself than I could ever be on anyone else and really that's saying something. I believe there are many contributing factors to this, the best part of which is probably just my character. I would like to be able to explain to you bit by bit.
I struggle in my relationship with you because I never felt good enough for you. And you might say that's a ridiculous notion, and I'm absolutely certain that you'd be right, but that is something I've carried around since I was a little girl and I would love to banish the ridiculous notion forever. Do you know the main thing that I remember from seeing you 7 years ago is the fact that you thought I was fat. That you kept saying it to me. And I was so nervous to meet you this time because I'm so much more than I was back then (I'm not talking 'physically') and have come so far and I was so afraid you would reduce me to insignificance again when all I really wanted was my Dad. Perhaps I'm being too frank now, I don't know. It just feels to me like these things need to be said for my own sake. And here my ex is telling me 'your honesty is what makes you, Tash. Why wouldn't your father deserve that.'
And so I have to believe that it's ok for me to be saying these things to you because I really want to make it all alright and I feel the timing is right now more than ever and I'm so happy to have you back in my life. 7 years ago I felt as though I couldn't tell you what I really felt and thought and so out of frustration I stopped writing. It was easier for me to stop writing than to maintain a superficial relationship with someone who meant so much to me. 7 years later I don't want to make the same mistake.
Now I'll end this missive here for tonight and hope I've not overwhelmed you.

Je t'aime Papa.

xx
Natasha"

xxx