HERE!
NOW!
Not tomorrow, not yesterday, not next year or in my last life. Just here, now. Simply and easily.
Why is that so hard?
I feel this restlessness within me, brewing and brewing. Not because I wish to be elsewhere. Not because I wish to be something or someone else. Then why?
I have been confronted by many things over the last couple of years and all of these seem to now be culminating... waiting in line to be processed, dealt with. But I need a break from my head, a break from my heart, I need to feel me now, here, as healthy and happy. Learning to exist in the now has to be one of the hardest things to learn. Not sitting here wondering what will happen if I don't get my visa in time... where will I go, what will I do, how will I be, how will Remi be. And if something happens to Mum or to one of my loved ones, how will I cope. My nerves are on edge. I need quiet. I need peace. Am I loving Remi enough, am I showing him enough. Am I being enough, keeping in touch enough, cleaning enough, doing enough, enough enough enough. It just never seems to be enough. I just never seem to be enough to me... but realising it is the first step to working it out isn't it?

Here is a poem I read today on Jeanette Winterson's website - a site that btw you should check out periodically... www.jeanettewinterson.co.uk

''Love means to learn to look at yourself
The way one looks at distant things
For you are only one thing among many.
And whoever sees that way heals his heart,
Without knowing it, from various ills -
A bird and a tree say to him: Friend.
Then he wants to use himself and things
So that they stand in the glow of ripeness.
It doesn`t matter whether he knows what he serves:
Who serves best doesn`t always understand.''

- CZESLAW MILOSZ -